Welcome To Our Garden

Friday, December 14, 2007

Bad days

Today has been a crappy day. So was yesterday for that matter.

I'm just hoping that getting this out, on here, will somehow help. Kinda like therapy I guess.

I cried seeing my best friends little boy yesterday when she stopped by work to show him off. I want a child for M and I to show off.

I cried in line at the grocery as the lady ahead of my tossed diapers, baby food and formula on the belt. I want M and I to buy that stuff.

I cried this morning when a co worker called and said she would be late because her son was sick. I want M and I to stay home and take care of our child.

I cried looking at a co workers sons photo with Santa. I want M and I to have a pic of Santa and our child.

I cried looking at another co workers pics of their recent trip to disney with their gorgeous little girl. I want M and I to have pics of our child with Mickey Mouse.

I cried seeing a car seat in a vehicle in the parking lot. I want M and I to have a car seat in our car.

I cried for a person I don't know after reading of their miscarriage in a blog today.

I'm tired of everyone at work asking if I'm ok and where I've been and if I enjoyed my time off. I just want to scream to them that NO, I'm not ok. I've been home trying to deal with the fact that our babies are gone and not coming back. And NO I didn't really enjoy my time off. But I just smile and say I'm fine and that I just decided to take some time off.

I'm tired of fake smiles.

I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of miscarriages.

I'm tired of loss.

Tired of them for me.

Tired of them for M.

Tired of them for everyone.

16 comments:

ohchicken said...

sending lots of comfort your way. i wish there were words that would heal.

K J and the kids said...

I'm sorry you had a bad day.
I hope the good start to out number the bad.

Mimi said...

My heart breaks for you and M...I want to say something to you but don't how or what to say...I just want you to know I am thinking of you hape it gets better....and I know you guys will have a baby soon I think 2008 will bring happiness........

Melissa said...

I wish there was a magic formula or string of words i could say to make you feel better. If there was I would give it to you tenfold. Sending you virtual hugs.

Ninefirefly said...

I'm sorry. All I can say is that I understand 100%. Boo miscarraiges. I'm not sure that I can say that it gets better really but you do become more numb to it.

my--four--sons said...

All I can say is that the way you are feeling is normal. I still grieve over the same things and it has been over six years. Keep hope in the things that are still to come. Don't feel bad for the way you feel. Remember there are people that pray for you and know that there are things to look forward to in the future.

Liz1971 said...

sorry you had a bad day yesterday-- i completely understand what you are feeling. i really do.... i'm thinking of you and m. xo

tbean said...

So sorry that you have had such a hard couple of days. I get wistfull looking at people buying formula and diapers too, and I haven't been through the losses you have, so I cannot imagine how difficult and painful it must be. You are strong and brave. And much loved!

Marcy "meg" said...

I am so sorry guys... Like KJ says I sure hope the good start to outweigh the bad.

hotomiky said...

I'm sorry that your having a bad day. I understand completely. For us - in different ways. Hang in there - hope the year of 2008 will b better for you both.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your pain. Our journey has also been an extremelly long one. I did a year of inseminations and a total of 8 ivf's to finally have my 2 sons. My first son is now 4 from ivf#2 and I am now almost 30 weeks pregnant with my second son from IVF#8.
It can happen and will happen. Don't give up, that is the key. For me it hurt more to quit than to keep going on even with the loss and pain.
Love,
Rosany and Pam.

Sara said...

I'm tired of them for you too. Not fair.

Mom g said...

It is okay to allow yourself to be tired and to cry, you sweet thing... I am so sorry~I know...

Tears cleanse the soul... rest... gain strength....
continue to your destiny...
Love & Prayers
xo
Robin

Stacey said...

hey M and Kim, we are thinking of u.... thanks for ur support even though u r going through a tough time (to say the least)... there will be good and bad days, but we are all sending our love. xx

Chris said...

*hugs*

Ali said...

More *Hugs*