Ok, so yesterday was my first mini melt down..and we're not even pregnant yet!!
As I mentioned in one of my first posts, I'm a planner. I plan everything and if its not planned I feel lost. Unknowns bother me. I guess I need to get over that and quickly. With that said, let me briefly describe my melt down.
Since M and I decided to start this baby making journey my mind has been going 24/7. I think about everything. All the time. I lay in bed at night and pray to God to just let me stopping thinking...to clear my head and be able to sleep. I close my eyes and start rearranging furniture in the "to be" babies room. I wonder where we will store this and store that. How will we pay for this and pay for that? What will people say? How will our friends and family react? Will M be able to take time off from work to be with me? Will her boss be understanding or a jerk? I mean it IS her child too. Will I be a good mommy? What will be our childs last name? Will M be able to be in the delivery room with me? Why cant we have the same rights as a hetro couple? Why cant we marry? Why cant we have civil union? Why cant we have a second parent adoption? You name and Ive thought it. Ive thought of stuff that doesn't even make sense to think about.
Whew! It's been driving me crazy!
I sat M down yesterday and told her I wanted to talk. Talk about us and the "to be" baby. Of course I cant get a whole sentence out without crying. (I'm a cryer..what can I say?) We talked. I cried. And we talked some more. M was able to calm me down and remind me that no one knows everything that's going to happen. No one knows if they will be a good parent. No one knows how others are going to react until they do. There are lots of unknowns and we wont be the first or last ones discovering them. She also reminded me that our parents had much less money and resources available to them than we do and they made it.
I know that was alot of rambling and it doesn't even begin to list all that we talked about. But somehow I feel better just getting it out again.
Thanks for listening/reading.
I'm ready. I know I am. With my illegal wife, M, by my side, there's nothing we can't do.
BRING ON THE BABY!