Welcome To Our Garden

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Mini Meltdown

Ok, so yesterday was my first mini melt down..and we're not even pregnant yet!!

As I mentioned in one of my first posts, I'm a planner. I plan everything and if its not planned I feel lost. Unknowns bother me. I guess I need to get over that and quickly. With that said, let me briefly describe my melt down.

Since M and I decided to start this baby making journey my mind has been going 24/7. I think about everything. All the time. I lay in bed at night and pray to God to just let me stopping thinking...to clear my head and be able to sleep. I close my eyes and start rearranging furniture in the "to be" babies room. I wonder where we will store this and store that. How will we pay for this and pay for that? What will people say? How will our friends and family react? Will M be able to take time off from work to be with me? Will her boss be understanding or a jerk? I mean it IS her child too. Will I be a good mommy? What will be our childs last name? Will M be able to be in the delivery room with me? Why cant we have the same rights as a hetro couple? Why cant we marry? Why cant we have civil union? Why cant we have a second parent adoption? You name and Ive thought it. Ive thought of stuff that doesn't even make sense to think about.

Whew! It's been driving me crazy!

I sat M down yesterday and told her I wanted to talk. Talk about us and the "to be" baby. Of course I cant get a whole sentence out without crying. (I'm a cryer..what can I say?) We talked. I cried. And we talked some more. M was able to calm me down and remind me that no one knows everything that's going to happen. No one knows if they will be a good parent. No one knows how others are going to react until they do. There are lots of unknowns and we wont be the first or last ones discovering them. She also reminded me that our parents had much less money and resources available to them than we do and they made it.

I know that was alot of rambling and it doesn't even begin to list all that we talked about. But somehow I feel better just getting it out again.

Thanks for listening/reading.

I'm ready. I know I am. With my illegal wife, M, by my side, there's nothing we can't do.



Dee said...

I've had the same emotions as you. I'm a total control freak. We've just talked our way through it. But, as part of the In Vitro process they make you see their Psychologist. What a great thing! She really helped us stop and think about things we'd never thought of. It helped so much that we've agreed to go back. Maybe again after the baby is born.

Holly said...

she's right.
you can't plan anything, it just happens. i would talk to lois and ask her how she was calm and she just said, "whatever happens and when it happens, we'll handle it."
it was so simple.
I am not a planner. we didn't get the baby's room painted until Lois was 36.5 weeks pregnant.
it helped for me to talk to friends who had little ones or who were TTCing, every single one of them would just tell me to "go with the flow of life" in so many words.
not sure I have taken all of that to heart, but I guess when I see how many other people out there are parents, we can handle this!

Merr said...

That is funny. I did that too. I would rearrange, paint, and decorate the baby's room in my head at night before we were even pregnant.

Anonymous said...

hey girl its spears. I agree with M when she says you don't know what will happen until it actually happens...thats so true. But I am like you too in that I like to be prepared. I think its ocd or something. :o) but when the time comes...you will be prepared and ready for this new bundle of joy to enter your lives. Although I don't have children and have no desire at the moment to do so, I know that he/she will be the best thing that ever happened you both. I love you and I'm here for you..ready to babysit. :o)