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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Bits and Pieces

**WARNING**

The following is totally a downer post. Read at your own risk!

I feel like venting and yall are my lucky sounding board.

It's official. I do NOT like Thanksgiving and I will not be "celebrating" it again. (Heidi/Jenn - Get a table for 4 next year. I love a good salad bar.)

Why you ask?

I had a really shitty Thanksgiving one year as a child and I've had a hard time looking forward to it and enjoying it since then.

I spent last Thanksgiving trying to deal with the fact that our twins were gone and had been officially taken from us the day before. Makes me sick thinking of it.

I tried to be in a "holiday mood" today but that all came to a screeching halt this evening. I made a call to mom and dad before heading to M's family for dinner and was slapped in the face not once, not twice but three times.

Slap #1 - My 26 year old nephew and his girlfriend are expecting. She's being induced on Dec 10. My moms birthday. Great.

Slap #2 - My 28 year old nephew and his wife are also expecting.

Slap #3 - My mom proceeds to ask about our baby making status. I tell her I'd rather not talk about it so she then tells me to RELAX and just let it happen. I hate that freaking word! RELAX! I know she means well and God do I love her but why can't people think before they speak?

Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that my nephews are able to have a family and I wish them nothing but happiness and a healthy child but damn it....I want a family too.

Oh, how I wish I could say "oops! I'm pregnant" or to plan and actually conceive and give birth to a live child.

Maybe one day?

I guess until then I'll wallow in my own self pity and cancel Thanksgiving for next year.

Oh! And for those of you that have asked about IVF. That's a big no. We can't afford it.

And adoption? Not gonna happen in Virginia.

Surrogacy? Again, not happening in Virginia. Even tho we've had a wonderful, sweet, thoughtful and caring friend offer her uterus for the project. You know who you are and thank you!

I guess blogging while upset is kinda like drinking and driving. Not a good idea.

But I do feel a tad bit better having gotten that off my chest.



11 comments:

Liz1971 said...

i get this... i understand. you have every right to feel down and to vent. i always marveled at people who just 'accidentally' got pregnant. how does that HAPPEN?

sorry you had a crappy thanksgiving. feel free to vent anytime! xo

ps- don't lose hope, though.

Heidi said...

Table is set for four!!! We had a grand ole time ignoring the holiday! We shall have to do it together next year!!

I'm so sorry it was rough. I'm sorry that people get accidentally pregnant.

Meanies.

everythingsjustjake said...

Don't feel bad to vent! Not like drinking and driving at all. Get it out and off your chest! You don't need to apologize for it. That's why we come and visit. You gals are cared about, damnit!
Hope is what i have for you guys!

Anonymous said...

You blog and I will read.....
then I just send hugs
XOXOX and a couple of kisses

Anonymous said...

oh and I will ignore this holiday with you next year you guys come to maine we will snuggle by the fire eat anything but turkey and watch boring old movies all day .

S. said...

i could have written your post yesterday. i'll wallow with you & cancel thanksgiving '09 too!

Anonymous said...

Just poppin in to say hi.
I haven't read your blog in forever. I am without a computer half the time and had to make my blog private.
I am wishing you such good thoughts and lots of baby dust.
Denise from cameron's corner. P.s If you want to be added to read my blog just email me at nailgirl244@yahoo.com and I will invite you.

Sparroweye said...

Go ahead. I use my blog and livejournal to vent. It fills that need for me. Mom's mean well. But.... sometimes it just makes things worse. I still believe. I still see that little boy in your photograph. It was the most awesome thing I ever saw. Try this. I know it sounds totally crazy. Wacko. And you can scream at me if you want. Give him a name, and invite him. And feel free to just read this and delete it. I know I sound weird.

j.k-c. said...

You are always allowed to vent your feelings and we are always here to listen and offer support and (((hugs))).

musicalprose said...

You be as up unrelaxed as you want.

What you are going through is stressful and emotionally draining.

I ADMIRE you greatly!

You are entitled to feel down.

hugs!

msfitzita said...

I'm so sorry. This is the hardest journey there is - I'm sure of it. No control, no assurances, no guarantees. Just longing and, of course, sorrow.

I wish so many good things for you, not the least of which is for Virginia to change its laws.

You deserve this as much as anyone. ANYONE. It breaks my heart that it's so hard - that it's all so unfair.

Thinking of you...