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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

What next?!

Ok, so I thought that the worst was over and maybe we could start to heal and move on a little bit. I know we'll have our moments and that it's gonna take a lot of time. I'm prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was last night.

And if 1 thing wasn't enough we had 2.

I was getting up off the couch and wham! A sharp pain in my abdomen almost brought me to my knees. I can deal with this. The doc said to expect some cramping and stuff. And lets not forget the sharp pain I have in my left lower back that also almost knocks me off my feet.

But what I can't deal with is that my big sore boobs are now big sore leaking boobs. Talk about NOT fair!! Taking our babies away wasn't enough but now I have to wake up with wet spots on my pjs and sit here at work with pieces of toilet paper in my bra?! How is that fair? Can someone answer that?

Needless to say, we had a sucky night last night and this morning work is the LAST place I want to be.

I feel worthless. I'm fat. I cry all the time. I can't keep a baby alive. I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be at work. I don't want to see pregnant women. I feel like a freak!

Why do these things happen? I just don't get it! It's just so not fair!

Yes, I'm angry but I have that right don't I?

I just wanna wake up!!

24 comments:

First said...

At times like this "I'm Sorry" seems so damn lame, but please know that you are surrounded, both in real life and online with people who care about you and would do anything to take your pain away. I pray for quick healing for both of you as you go through this troubling time.

aspiring baker said...

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I have had two miscarriages, so I feel I know a little bit of what you are going through.

You said you can't keep babies alive, but I hope you'll reconsider that language, as it seems to be very blaming and hurtful (not to mention probably inaccurate). When I had my second miscarriage, they were able to analyze the tissue from the D&C and determine that the loss (also of identical twins, by the way) was caused by a trisomy -- a genetic abnormality. This information was a HUGE relief to me -- there was absolutely nothing that I could have done to cause or prevent that from happening.

I hope you will have the opportunity to learn what caused your losses, and that the information will bring you comfort. The vast majority of miscarriages are caused by genetic abnormalities. In other words: you can most likely carry a baby just fine. It's a genetic fluke that is, unfortunately, completely out of your control.

Hang in there. I promise it will get better.

All U Need is LOVE......(and swimmers) said...

I agree that "I'm Sorry" sounds like it is not nearly enough. But, please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
BB

Sara said...

Definitely not fair - not fair at all!

Teaberry said...

you have a right to be angry! sure! however, I agree with aspiring baker-- you seem to be blaming yourself personally, and you did everything right and deserve no blame... it's a terribly sad thing that happened, and no one is at fault.

I'm glad that you posted again. you can always use this as a forum for getting some of the frustrations out!!

take care, blog friend...

Erin said...

Yes be angry, be upset. It is not fair. My prayers are with you.

Melissa said...

You are so right, it isn't fair and you have every right to be angry and sad. You have every right to feel everything you are feeling but please try and not let the darkness completely envelop you and make you blame and hate yourself. You did nothing wrong. Turn to M. and to us if you need anything.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. XOXO

Chris said...

Ugh. That's just cruel. I'm sorry and I hope it stops soon.

I agree with baker and everyone else - you can't blame yourself. There are so many things that can go wrong, it's amazing that anything ever goes right. And 99.9% of those things are way beyond your control. It's so easy to blame yourself but you really can't fall into that trap. It doesn't help.

I wish there was something I could do to help. I'm so sorry and pissed on your behalf. If I ever find out who is in charge of these things, I'm going to pop them a big one right in the eye. Just not fair.

Liz1971 said...

kim-- i've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of exactly what to say... first of all, i'm so glad you are using your blog as a means of expressing yourself, of just letting it all out. i think all that you are feeling is completely understandable and normal. i wish i could take away your pain and make you believe that better days are ahead--because i truly believe they are. i'm thinking of you and m--

Merr said...

You're right, it's not fair and have have every right to be angry.
This is such a hard thing. I still have moments where I just get mad because I should still be pregnant right now and I'm not. The only thing that will make it better for me is to start trying again, and hopefully it works soon and sticks.
Maybe you should take some time off work. Can you do that?

tbean said...

Wow--what a fantastically horrible experience you had last night, as if the nightmere weren't awful enough. Be angry. Be sad. Be anything you want to be. This shouldn't have happened and it did and it was nobody's fault and there's no making sense of it. Just us...sending you love.

Keri said...

I'm just going to echo everyone's sentiments. You are rightly angry and rightly sad. Our hearts break for you & M and we'll be hear to shout it back at you as long as you need.

Notesfrom2Moms said...

I was in your neck of the woods today and had I known where to find you I would have come by to give you a hug...We are all pulling for you...

J said...

I don't know what to day. It isn't fair..you are right.
I have faith that God does not give us any more than we can handle. You are going to get through this. Love to you both.

tiff said...

You absolutely have that right.

Wow, I was floored with what aspiring baker said. Please take these things to heart. It was OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. Try to be encouraging to yourself too - you are not fat. AND you are far from worthless!!!! We are all here supporting you okay?

It will get better, day by day. I know this sucks right now...there's no other way I can say it. People always say that some good has to come from something bad. Maybe you don't want to hear it...but, maybe, like aspiring baker said, it was your body's way of doing the best thing.

I know nothing anyone says will make it "better". You're in our thoughts for sure Kim. Don't give up! Sending lots of love your way.

Bobby said...

Sometimes we all feel like letting go, and its okay. There are many around us in the physical and spiritual sense that will catch us. Fall and feel the freedom to ride those ups and downs that are coming without notice.

Be angry, sad, and look at the world in a view that many will not admit too. There comes a point that we put on the brakes, and look back on things we rather not think about. It is there we learn a little more about our own humanity and tendency to overcome barriers that seem impossible to get past.

Goodness and the grace to receive the gift of a child will be there for you both. You have not failed, but continue on a journey that will serve you in healing others, and even yourself. Gain strength, and weigh your future options. Sometimes we will not get the answers, but do not sway from trying any avenue that may present itself!

Love ya guys!
Breath, Hope, Hugs, Peace!
Bobby

Ninefirefly said...

You know, "I just want to wake up" are the exact words that I put in my last post. It's exactly how I feel and it's been three weeks since my d&c. I'm hoping that it will get better. I don't know if it will but I am hoping. If you need anything let me know.

Ali said...

It is NOT fair, be angry, be sad. You are not a freak. So many women share your pain.
You will wake up and you will be stronger and have more courage for the journey.
Hold on to each other. And take a week off if you can. Hugs.

SJayneI said...

Oh........I really don't have any words of wisdom for you; I have no idea what you're going through. My intinct says that you need to feel the feelings you are having in order toheal, so whatever you are feeling, you have the right to feel. Take care of yourself.

Hope said...

I wish I could do something or say something to help ease your pain. I agree with Aspiring baker as well. Please do not beat yourself up. I lost my little boy 3 years ago to Trisomy 18 and let me tell you I also felt like a failure. Please vent to us. We are here.

Holly said...

I am so sorry. You are right, it just isn't fair. I know the anger and frustration and feeling of not trusting your body anymore is not how you wanted to feel.
You two are loved and need to hold onto each other to get through this. We are sending all of our love to you both.

Caroline said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Both of you will be in my prayers.

Rosie said...

I just found your blog and wanted to say that I am so, so sorry! I also had a late loss. I went for a routine appt at 16 weeks and they didn't find a heart beat. It was horrific.

As horrible as it is now, time does ease the pain.

I got pregnant the very next month and now have an 11 month old baby. I will never forget my daughter.. I will never stop yearning for her. It is a painful thing to love my son to pieces and know that had my daugther not died, I would not have him.. Yet, I want her dearly...

Don't give up... it will happen for you. AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Rosie-mywifeandi.wordpress.com

Mom G said...

beautiful sweet girl, I wish I had magic to help you through this pain.

It is not fair. It is not right. But please know, it is NOT your fault. Do not place blame on yourself for something that is beyond any human control.

Be angry-as angry as you need to be. Rest your body and soul as much as you can. Hold on to M deeply. I am holding you both in my heart.

Some wounds never completely heal-that I know so well, but may you find comfort in your love for one another.
All my love,
Mom G