Welcome To Our Garden

Sunday, November 25, 2007

We found out at week 12 that our flowers died around week 10. Some time shortly after we saw their little heartbeats and them flipping and turning around. I carried dead babies for 2 weeks. A nightmare. A nightmare that I know I will never wake up from.

The doc said we were too far along to wait for mother nature so we scheduled a D&C. Besides the fact that they were going to be taking our babies from us, I had never had surgery before. Never been knocked out. So scary. We checked in at the hospital at 0730. They took us to this tiny little room. I got a real cloth gown this time...not paper. I got an IV, which I did NOT want. I had to talk myself out of ripping it out of my arm and running down the hall. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there! They took some blood and about 4 hours later it was time. Time for them to knock me out and take our babies away. I had 2 options. 1 was for them to numb me from waist down and kinda knock me out and the 2nd was to be knocked out completely. Of course the second option would involve a breathing cube and catheter. They insured me that if I chose the 2nd that I would be completely out and not have a clue about the tubes and such. I chose to be knocked out. I kissed M goodbye and they wheeled me down the hall to the OR. Again, I just wanted to jump off that stretcher and run home. I didn't want to be there! I cried like you wouldn't believe. They moved me from the stretcher to the table and placed a mask over my nose. The doc said to breathe deeply 3 times. Just before the 3rd breath Doc K took my hand and said she would take care of me. The next thing I remember was waking up to some beeping noises and hearing the opening song from Young & the Restless. I made it. I was in the recovery room. I was SO tired. I had to force myself to keep my eyes open. The nurse offered me some ice, which was like a feast to me. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since midnight the night before. I was awake in recovery for about 20 minutes before they wheeled me back to the tiny little room to meet with M again. What a relief to see my beautiful wife there waiting for me. I could have NEVER made it thru all this without her. We were released 30-45 minutes later. We were at the hospital for about 7 hours! I slept for a while at home. M's mom brought us food.

I've had hardly any bleeding or pain. Just a few cramps. I was given 2 prescriptions and told to come back in 2 weeks. I do however have some really weird bruises on the hips. Did they strap me down? I don't know but I'll definitely being asking the doc next week.

Thanksgiving was a REALLY bad day. We both tried to stay busy and keep our minds off the obvious. It was hard. We took all the stuff from the nursery to the garage and covered it up. Just too hard to look at. Later in the day we got our Christmas stuff down from the attic. That killed a little bit of time. We had turkey dinner alone on the couch that evening. Thursday night just plain sucked! Friday we stayed busy. Cleaned the gutters. Mowed the leaves. Went to the grocery. Ate hotdogs. Took the crib apart. Put the tree up and tried to enjoy it.

My mom has called everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Against my wishes, she told my brother & non brother. My brothers wife called on Thanksgiving. I didn't answer. Mom told me later that she was calling to say she had been in our shoes. She too had a baby die at 3 months. I still haven't called her back. Too hard. My non brother called twice. I was afraid my phone would burst into flames if I answered it! I didn't answer. He sent an email last night saying how sorry he was. Whatever. He must not have been too concerned about my well being because he finished up the email talking about how I've been ignoring him and his family! Does he have amnesia? He's obviously forgotten what he said to me on the phone the last time we spoke! My reply will hopefully be clear to him that I don't want to see or speak to him again.

M & I both return to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. I wish I could just stay in my house and never see or speak to anyone ever again! I know it doesn't work that way but it's going to be hard. It already is.

This all sucks beyond words. I know time heals all wounds...blah blah blah. But this wound is pretty damn deep.

Also beyond words is the thankfulness we have for all of you. Your kind words, thoughts and prayers have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. As weird as it sounds, I feel like you are all part of my family. I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you've said and done.

We wont be posting much any longer for we have nothing to talk about but we will be continuing to read and follow along with all of you. I may not comment but please know we are still reading and thinking of you all.

Good luck and blessings to you all.

32 comments:

laura said...

HUgs to you both-
The shoes we have both had to walk in need to be retired- thrown away.

It gets better- PROMISE!

Always in my thoughts-

Marcy "meg" said...

I am so sorry. I hope the pain gets a little bit easier day by day. I won't pretend to know what it feels like, because I don't know. Take care you two.

J said...

Love to you both.

Manymeez said...

Kim and M. I understand the need to lock yourself up, and not speak to anyone. I'm glad that you are able to see that that will not make it better. With the pain being deep, it will take awhile for it to heal. We are all here for you when you're ready to come back. You will remain in my thoughts and in my prayers.

tbean said...

Don't put any expectations on yourselves for how you "should" be feeling or how fast/slow you "should" be greiving. This kind of loss affects everyone differently. I can offer no advice and I won't pretend to understand what you are feeling. But, I'm thinking about you all the time and I'm still so very very sorry this happened. Take good care of each other.

vee said...

I've been thinking of you both a lot. It's so sad and so wrong that this has happened. I'm so sorry.

Renee and Janice said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain and the hard times you have been going through. No words can ever take away the pain or the sorrow.I completely understand the need to "go away", even just from the computer is helpful. Please take care!

Melissa said...

I'm sorry that you both had to go through, I have been praying for your healing: mind, body & spirit.

j.k-c. said...

*hugs*
So sorry for all that you have had to go through. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Melissa said...

We've been thinking a lot about you two. Sending you both love and hugs.

Ali said...

Be gentle with yourselves. Everything you are feeling is normal. We think of you both daily. Hugs.

Ninefirefly said...

Take care of each other. Being together will help. There are no words to be said that will ever make you feel better. I wish you the very best.

Anonymous said...

kim and m.... i wish i could ease your pain. please know that i think of you both often and will keep you in my prayers. sending tons of yellow your way... liz1971

Keri said...

Again, so sorry. Words just can't quite define how unfair it all is. Take all the time you need - we'll be here when you're ready.

Chris said...

I've got nothing helpful, of course. Nothing helps in this situation except time and space.

We've been there three times and I wish you guys didn't have to be. It's just so incredibly unfair.

I'm really really sorry.

When you're ready, I hope you come back. Take all the time and space you need dear. We'll be thinking of you.

tiff said...

You've definitely been in my thoughts. I'm so sorry....it's awful, beyond words and understanding. I wish it didn't happen to you, and am just hoping healing comes quickly, and joy returns.

shortmama910 said...

I love you both, and I wish I could do more for you. Know that we are all here for whatever you need whenever you need it!!!!xoxo

Love,
Tammy

my--four--sons said...

Delurking to say how sorry I am for your loss. When you say all you want to do is lock yourself up it reminds me of when we lost our baby at 8 1/2 months. It took me 3 months before I could even go back to work. I begged my husband to let me quit and get a job somewhere else. But I didn't quit and I am glad I didn't now. It still hurts but it is better. Just allow yourself to grieve how you need to. My thoughts are with the two of you.

Jbeeky said...

I am over from Keri's blog to say how very sorry I am. I hate where you are and I wish there was something I could do for all of us in this ugly club to make it better. I am just so sorry.

KC said...

Hey girls,

I'm Chris' other half. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you guys are going through. Nothing I say will ease your pain. I will say following my 11wk6day loss we got pregnant with CJ and that is my wish, my hope for you guys. That when you do and you will come through this, that your next pregnancy will be healthy and strong.

KC

Mimi said...

Please blog every now and then, want to know the both of you are ok.....I don't know what you are going through just want you to know I think of both of you a lot....just remember you will get what you want in time...I feel like I know the both of you...BOTH of you are in my thoughts...love ya

MB said...

I'm so sorry...have been there, too. Hold onto each other...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. And at this time of year, not that any time is good. You'll both be in my prayers.
-Flame31

Michelle said...

All of our love and prayers for you both always. We're here whenever you need to talk.

Michelle & Dawn

Sara said...

So sorry - we are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Keep taking care of yourselves and each other.

K J and the kids said...

Hoping that you can make it through this with the strength your future journey will need.
I'm so sorry for your losses and hope to hear from you when you are healed.

Teaberry said...

your blog is one I read quite frequently.... I know that you both need time to heal, but remember when you're ready to post again, we'll be reading along.... sending thoughts your way.

Merr said...

I am just so very sorry. I have thinking about you guys all weekend and it saddens me. It's just not fair!

kyky7079 said...

I don't have anything profound to say, just a very sincere and heartfelt "I am sorry for your loss". To have been there before and to have now been there again in unimaginable to me. Our prayers are with you and we will be watching for your return to blog land. Take this time to take care of each other - that is what matters most.

notesfrom2moms said...

we will all be here when you return. thinking of you...down the road in virginia.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to de-lurk to tell you about a test that is very popular in our area to do for women with recurrent miscarriages. Apparently some womens immune system don't turn off when pregnant and their own bodies attach the fetus thinking it is a foreign body. It is an auto-immunity test done at a special lab in chicago. Most doctors can do it and FEX-EX the blood there. It checks on your natural killers cells and a few other things. If the test comes back positive then they have you do infusions of antibodies. I believe the infusions are called IVIG.
I do wish you the best of luck, and keep posting, I love to know where you are at.
Rosany

Sparroweye said...

I don't know why, but I don't have as good feelings about your obgyn
as I do with your insemination doctors. Would it be possible to switch doctors? Also, I know there
is a certain time when ultrasounds are not as safe. Ever since my cousin
had a perfectly normal pregnancy
end up in still born delivery following a routine ultra sound I have been suspicious of this routine
test. Read up on it. I do not think they are as safe as doctors want us to believe.
http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/ultrasound.asp