We found out at week 12 that our flowers died around week 10. Some time shortly after we saw their little heartbeats and them flipping and turning around. I carried dead babies for 2 weeks. A nightmare. A nightmare that I know I will never wake up from.
The doc said we were too far along to wait for mother nature so we scheduled a D&C. Besides the fact that they were going to be taking our babies from us, I had never had surgery before. Never been knocked out. So scary. We checked in at the hospital at 0730. They took us to this tiny little room. I got a real cloth gown this time...not paper. I got an IV, which I did NOT want. I had to talk myself out of ripping it out of my arm and running down the hall. I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to be there! They took some blood and about 4 hours later it was time. Time for them to knock me out and take our babies away. I had 2 options. 1 was for them to numb me from waist down and kinda knock me out and the 2nd was to be knocked out completely. Of course the second option would involve a breathing cube and catheter. They insured me that if I chose the 2nd that I would be completely out and not have a clue about the tubes and such. I chose to be knocked out. I kissed M goodbye and they wheeled me down the hall to the OR. Again, I just wanted to jump off that stretcher and run home. I didn't want to be there! I cried like you wouldn't believe. They moved me from the stretcher to the table and placed a mask over my nose. The doc said to breathe deeply 3 times. Just before the 3rd breath Doc K took my hand and said she would take care of me. The next thing I remember was waking up to some beeping noises and hearing the opening song from Young & the Restless. I made it. I was in the recovery room. I was SO tired. I had to force myself to keep my eyes open. The nurse offered me some ice, which was like a feast to me. I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since midnight the night before. I was awake in recovery for about 20 minutes before they wheeled me back to the tiny little room to meet with M again. What a relief to see my beautiful wife there waiting for me. I could have NEVER made it thru all this without her. We were released 30-45 minutes later. We were at the hospital for about 7 hours! I slept for a while at home. M's mom brought us food.
I've had hardly any bleeding or pain. Just a few cramps. I was given 2 prescriptions and told to come back in 2 weeks. I do however have some really weird bruises on the hips. Did they strap me down? I don't know but I'll definitely being asking the doc next week.
Thanksgiving was a REALLY bad day. We both tried to stay busy and keep our minds off the obvious. It was hard. We took all the stuff from the nursery to the garage and covered it up. Just too hard to look at. Later in the day we got our Christmas stuff down from the attic. That killed a little bit of time. We had turkey dinner alone on the couch that evening. Thursday night just plain sucked! Friday we stayed busy. Cleaned the gutters. Mowed the leaves. Went to the grocery. Ate hotdogs. Took the crib apart. Put the tree up and tried to enjoy it.
My mom has called everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Against my wishes, she told my brother & non brother. My brothers wife called on Thanksgiving. I didn't answer. Mom told me later that she was calling to say she had been in our shoes. She too had a baby die at 3 months. I still haven't called her back. Too hard. My non brother called twice. I was afraid my phone would burst into flames if I answered it! I didn't answer. He sent an email last night saying how sorry he was. Whatever. He must not have been too concerned about my well being because he finished up the email talking about how I've been ignoring him and his family! Does he have amnesia? He's obviously forgotten what he said to me on the phone the last time we spoke! My reply will hopefully be clear to him that I don't want to see or speak to him again.
M & I both return to work tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. I wish I could just stay in my house and never see or speak to anyone ever again! I know it doesn't work that way but it's going to be hard. It already is.
This all sucks beyond words. I know time heals all wounds...blah blah blah. But this wound is pretty damn deep.
Also beyond words is the thankfulness we have for all of you. Your kind words, thoughts and prayers have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. As weird as it sounds, I feel like you are all part of my family. I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you've said and done.
We wont be posting much any longer for we have nothing to talk about but we will be continuing to read and follow along with all of you. I may not comment but please know we are still reading and thinking of you all.
Good luck and blessings to you all.