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Friday, February 23, 2007

LONG Post

A milestone occurred this past weekend while M and I were in Ky. Well actually the day we returned back home. Let me explain.

My mom as a "picture wall". One whole wall dedicated to pics of the family. The family includes my mom, dad, and 2 older brothers plus their children and wives and me. Well as you all know there's someone missing. M of course. I never said anything to my parents about it nor would I. (They are still adjusting to the fact that the love of my life is a female. I've got 2 ex-husbands. Took me a while to get it right :o) ) Anyhow.

The last night of our visit with my parents, my oldest brother (we'll call him B1) and his girlfriend (lets call her D) stopped in for a visit. It wasn't long until D had her hand in my face showing her beautiful new shiny engagement ring. Wow! My brothers engaged. Cool.

Before they left mom told them she wanted to get a pic of them together for the wall. An engagement photo. Blah. (I'm not bitter, really, I'm not. I just want OUR pic on the wall too). So they obliged and the pic was taken. I remember looking at the picture wall and imagining how cool it would be to have our pic there. I can dream right?

Ok, so fast ward. We're back in Va now. Its been a day since we were in Ky. I get an email from my mom telling me that shes printed out B1 and Ds pic for the wall AND one of M and I! Holy cow! This is great! We're on the wall! Woop! Woop!

I know that sounds really cheesy but its a huge step. M and I are a family and our family will grow. Its so nice knowing that they are accepting that. (they don't know about the growing family part just yet....baby steps yall)

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Now here's a more about my family in Ky. My brothers are OLDER than me. 14 and 16 years older to be exact. I've never really been super close to them because of the age difference. They were both grown and out of the house by the time I was in school. They each have a son. I'm closer in age to them than my own brothers. So I kinda considered them my brothers growing up.

About 5 years ago I started talking alot to my other brother (B2). He became a high-tech redneck and got a computer so we chatted and emailed alot that way. I was finally getting close to my brothers. It was nice.

Well that all changed late 2005.

Let me try and lose you here.

I never really got the chance to "come out" to my parents. My brother, B2, assumed he knew ALL about me and decided to tell my parents I was gay.

Let me explain.

After M and I met, she would accompany me on my visits to Ky. To my family, we were just friends. I knew at some point I would tell them differently but that would take some time. BIG step!

So after alot of thinking and praying for the nerve I decided it was time. I knew it was something I had to do in person so I planned a trip home. I called mom to let her know when I was coming and that I had something I needed to talk to her and dad about. Of course she wanted to know right then if something was wrong. No, nothing was wrong. This phone conversation seemed to go on forever. It finally came down to her telling me that she knew what I was going to say. Impossible I thought...at which time both of our tones changed. I don't remember her exact words...well I do remember some exact..Ill share that in a minute. But anyhow...she basically tells me that B2 told her that M and I were together....together as a couple. HE told them? How is that possible? I haven't TOLD anyone. So my brother took it upon himself to assume something about me and then have the nerve to have MY talk with them WITHOUT ME!

Yes, I'm still upset and that's been about 2 years. Moving on.

I continued the conversation, that I didn't want to have on the phone, with my mom. It just went from bad to worse and then to just blah to relief that they knew. Now here comes the exact words I remember my mom saying. " This is un-Christian. You will go to hell for this". Wow that hurt just typing it. My mom, my best friend had just told me that I was going to hell for basically loving someone and being happy. After alot of tears and alot of talking my mom apologized for saying I was going to hell....but that it was un-Christian and just wrong. I snapped a few times but held my ground.

There was a lot more to that conversation but Ill stop there.

That was August 2005. We've come along way since then. My mom and dad now consider M their daughter. Part of the family. Picture wall worthy. :o) They even let us share a room together in their house. BIG step!

Ok....now back to B2. November 2005, just 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, I received an email from him. (First correspondence since mom said he outed me) Here's what my loving brother tells me and I quote..."What's the deal with you and M? Just how good of friends are you? If its what I think then Ill make other arrangements".

Those other arrangements he was speaking about was for Thanksgiving dinner. M and I were going to be in Ky for Thanksgiving. But if I answered his questions incorrectly he was going to make other arrangements for his step children NOT to be there. Didn't want to subject them to us. Nice huh?

M and I spent Thanksgiving at HER parents that year and I spent Christmas with my mom and dad the week before Christmas....minus my brothers.

Wow! This is long. But I think its therapy for me to get it out.

I found out later from my mom that it wasn't just B2 that had that talk about me but that B1 was there as well. They had a family meeting about ME without ME there.

My brothers and I didn't speak for about a year after that. And it was only until my mom had a heart attack and M and I went home to be with her that they spoke. Spoke to ME...not M. And the only thing they said to me was "sorry". Sorry for what? I have no idea because that's ALL they said. My brothers and I were standing outside my moms ICU room waiting for her to come out of surgery and both of them at different times pulled me aside and just said "Kim I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you". Hurt me for what? Talking about and my personal life? Making your own assumptions about me and my personal life. For treating me like shit? I don't know.

We didn't talk again after that. So much for apologizes.

So.....I decided to be the bigger person and have a chat with them. I wrote each of them a 4 page, typed letter. A get it all out there on the table, no holding back kind of letter. It wasn't mean or nasty, I just got my point across to them. I explained to them that yes, M and I were together and that for the first time in my life, I was happy. And just how much they hurt me by having that talk with my parents. I asked for them to love accept me as their sister and love me for who I am and to show some family love to M. I closed by saying that I hope I didn't hurt their feelings with the letter but that I wanted them to hear the REAL story from ME. Also enclosed my email and home address as well as my phone number in case they wanted to respond and a pamphlet on "coming out" and dealing with such issues from HRC.

I checked my mail religiously each day for a reply. Nothing. Until about 2 months later at which time I received an email from jackass B2. (I no longer consider him my brother). Here's some of what he said. "How dare you to push an abomination of God on me and my family. I'll have NO part of it and I wish you could see exactly what you are putting on Mom and Dad. If you feel better about yourself by doing this, then by all means, do it. I have also come to a new point in my life. I am a preacher now and will not compromise my beliefs for any reason or person. The only thing I have left to say to you is that I hope you are happy with your choices."

Well....

That didn't go over so well with me. I re-read it several times and decided to give my perfect, preacher brother a call. Now mind you, I grew up in church. I'm a Christian. I know right from wrong and I know that the bible says love one another and judge not lest ye be judge. How dare he say I'm an abomination to God! So I made the call. Wow what a call that was! Short and sweet version. I'm an abomination to God and I'm going to split hell wide open and he will not nor will he allow his children and wife to be in a room with M and I. The call ended with him hanging up on me.

The end of B2.

I kind of hoped I would hear from B1. In a round about way I did.

The week before Valentine's Day I received a card in the mail addressed to both me and M. That never happens. It was a Valentine's card from my soon to be sister in law D and B1. I cried. It was addressed to BOTH of us and signed D and B1. He actually signed his name! The card was to me and had a note written in it to be sure and say hello to M. :o) Ok so some progress has been made with B1. I got up the nerve to give B1 a phone call to tell him just how much that little card meant to me. D answered. B1 wasn't home. I proceeded to tell D how much it meant and that I knew it was her idea to send the card. ( my brothers don't send cards ) She knew I was touched by it and said that she was working on him and that it would take some time for him to get used to. I love her already! LOL Shes working on my brother for me. Nice huh? I told her to be sure and let him know that I had called. I was going to call back and speak to him directly but got side tracked. And I knew I would be seeing him soon when I visited the folks (this past weekend).

This brings us back to the beginning of this LONG post. B1 didn't just stop by mom and dads for visit with them. He knew M and I would be there. He stopped to see US. To see M and I. He made it a point to say " Hello M", to chit chat while watching the race and to say " Bye M".

:o) Atleast I didn't lose both brothers with my happiness. :o)

******

All this for a picture on the wall.

*******

Thanks for letting me get that out.

I just gotta ask. Why do people have to make such a big negative deal about being gay/lesbian? You can't help who your heart falls in love with.

*****

I love you M and will FOREVER!

5 comments:

Merr said...

Amen sista! We can totally relate. We both grew up very mormon, and our families are mormon. I have a brother who doesn't talk to me any more because he doesn't want his kids around us. Although when I was mormon I was taught to love others and not judge, but oh well. Anyway it sucks that we all can't have good supportive families, and it sucks that people are so scared to have us part of their lives. I guess if they are that close minded then I don't want them in my life anyway. Sometimes it just takes time too. We have been out for almost 5 years, and some people are still trying to get used to it.

Spears said...

Who needs brothers when you have sisters!?...that's all I have to say about that. ;o)

Sara said...

It takes a lot of courage to come out, and it takes even more to continually have those conversations with particularly unwilling people. Good for you, and best of luck in continuing to re-grow those family connections.

Sara

Holly said...

It does take a lot of courage to come out. Lois lost her parents for 7 years after she came out. That time is still such a fresh wound to her, she has a tough time being able to stand up to them again after that.

It's hard for me to understand the religious aspect of it all because my family was never the church going type. I was still terrified of coming out to them, only to find out how supportive they were. Lois and I now joke that my parents think we're the most normal couple of their children's relationships. I was lucky. Now, Lois is back in the good graces of her family, but they are a little overly controlling and still have issues of their own that they haven't come to terms with yet. i.e. what my role is, that I am Lois' spouse and the mommy to our child.

It's amazing to me that despite people's ignorance or faith in something that doesn't accept us as people, you and M. are still so strong and so in love. It takes a lot of strength to hold onto what you know is right for you when so many people you care about are telling you its wrong.

So sorry you had to go through this, but the members of your family who are coming around and accepting all of this will hopefully be able to see that your love broke through the b.s. (I know that sounds corny).

j said...

Nice post. I'm glad you guys made it onto the wall, and that you're getting some good family support.

Though I'm sorry one bro is being a dink. Not cool:)